digital introspection

i'm half a world away

Sat, 20 Nov 2004 08:14:21 GMT

the fog lays in layers like a puff pastry or a limestone cliff, obscuring the view ever so slightly, but more than that it lays over the city like a blanket. tucking it in, calming the glow of a thousand lonely streetlights and radio towers, headlights and nightlights.

strata of moisture, fluffy yet smothering

hills folded down at the horizon, soft and rolling. poured over them, a vague suggestion of crushing diaphonous veil, velvety and thorough.

my lungs were soaking in the humidity and some tension seeped out of me, scampering away unnoticed to harsher climes.

alongside, my mind resurrects a crashing bassline, triumphantly tragic, which blends with the mist and washes over me like breakers on the beach--hypnotic and lilting, yet eroding slowly at my sensibility and awareness.

also lost in the night are thousands of bits of information, radio waves and sesame street, muffled by their own common carrier. retransmits for the lost packets. recreation of missing bits as technology is damped by nature in this moment.

the stars peek out occasionally, but the clouds dilute them until they dwindle to suggestions. occasional punctures in nature's quilt expose the deep blueness of space, in contrast to the orange of reflected streetlights .

a corner of a dipper peers around a corner of a wisp of cloud, gasping for exposure. a folly it soon repents of, drowning again as the breakers crash back in.
a bright twinkle of emergency off in the distance--some poor blanketed soul trying to throw off the covers. pain could still cut through the soothing drifted gauze.

a sigh of release escapes my lips. less tension, less apprehension, less retension.

blinking south and then down, a single tear rolls off my nose. low, it falls and plashes. condensation of the fog.

as i stare up into a hole in the sky, a streaking sprite flies past, a message from another world, in the guise of a would-be meteorite.

a lone shrieking spectacle to observe as hundreds of others are hugged into the privacy of space's bosom, hanging in the balance between existence and observance.

nothing is ugly right now, though. merely uncomfortable at worst, with all the sharp edges rounded off and smoothed, with just a bare sheen of slick on them from condensation.

lightning flashes from nowhere to nowhere, a blink and then it is as though it had never been.

and in the distance the city winks at me.

finally mundane twinkles blink back their strength as the city begins to awaken
into a harder, harsher, brighter sleep, less cozy and more exposed.

harmony was balanced with melody and i rested my feet, against a tree
trunk, upper eyelids against lowers.

drinking in the darkness

Mon, 01 Nov 2004 10:33:30 GMT

while there's nothing wrong with drinking in a dark place, i'm thinking more about consuming the blackness myself than being consumed in it. the problem with darkness, like the ocean, is that it's hard to make a dent in it by any purely subtractive process; you can always do something drastic like blow it up / flip on the light switch, but it's nigh on impossible to really banish it sip by sip, shade by shade.

this evening did some fairly disjointed reminiscing about my past and was reminded that my foster father wasn't really a horrible person. in fact neither was my foster mother. that's not to say i liked them, but they just weren't my sort of people. i'm just reminded of the fact that mark made my life bearable by getting me the pocketknife and the calculator. they were the equivalent of a wizard's familiars while i was growing up, and while they never talked to me, they were always willing and ready to help me get out of a bind. which mark couldn't be since he didn't care quite that much or have anything like that much time and effort to put into me, and for that i can't hate him.

the drizzle isn't intense enough to rinse off any sins now, but earlier the torrent cleared out some dark alleys of my soul. ahh, refreshing.

the ground rushes up

Sun, 31 Oct 2004 06:11:27 GMT

i'm spreading out, seeping into the woodwork, ingratiatingly insinuating myself into this broken social scene. i don't even know what that means really, it's just a meta-metaphor for the metaphor that is life. i think if i could understand life, it would probably be less fun. the mood swings between gentle caffeine and gentle alcohol and alcohol wins because it had a head start. don't want to fall too far in any direction though, because the ground rushes up eventually.

i think my favorite thing about this whole exhibitionist trip is that it's neither victimless or victimic. i suppose it could traumatize someone, but really, it doesn't have to and it wouldn't, or anyway, it's your fault and not mine. but blame is so tawdry. everyone's to blame for their own reality, their now, existing as they do and not otherwise. but really living is blameless, existence is without fault because it is.

that's the sort of mental masturbation that doesn't really qualify as any kind of explicit self-definition. but it's exactly the kind of background noise that actually defines a personality--the thing about actions, screaming in the forefront and attracting all the attention, is that they stop when you stop trying. the ambience of just being, doing exactly what you are doing, is probably a truer gauge of how one is. too bad it's so hard to quantify, to read, to take meaning from usefully. but then i guess the point of most peoples' existence isn't really to be useful. which is a shame because it would be a lot more predictable and easier to cope with. which takes us back to too easy, and boredom.

i guess the main thing really is that for me to get by in the world i have to at least find some method to connect with people occasionally, and that's really hard when they can't understand what they want, what they think, what they feel. i guess i'm still figuring myself out too. what a strange trip it's been.

defining myself, part I

Fri, 29 Oct 2004 20:28:20 GMT

i made a friend overnight. how sweet. i hope she doesn't mind that i am slupring up some of her past and adapting it to my own reality. i suspect she did the same to get it though, so hopefully this counts as fair play.

1. FIRST NAME: Aeryn
2. WHO WERE YOU NAMED AFTER? nobody
3. DO YOU WISH ON STARS: i wish on lots of things. shooting stars, interesting times (22:22:22, 12:34:56), strange shivers. i don't expect my wishes to come true, though.
4. WHICH FINGER IS YOUR FAVORITE: left pinky.
5. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY: last time i was touched caringly.
6. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING: i don't handwrite anything anymore.
7. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT: cheese. or tomatoes.
8. ANY BAD HABITS: none that bother me. others seem to have trouble with my consistent disbelief of reality as it is presented to us, though.
9. WHAT IS THE MOST EMBARRASSING CD ON YOUR SHELF? i'm not embarrassed of anything i have. (i stole this one from sassyashley. i figured i stole this whole meme, so i could steal the answer i liked best too.)
10. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU: it would depend entirely on what mood i and i were in.
11. ARE YOU A DAREDEVIL: is it daring if you don't consider the consequences?
12. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TOLD A SECRET YOU SWORE NOT TO TELL: no. it is not a promise i would make.
13. DO LOOKS MATTER: ...
14. HOW DO YOU RELEASE ANGER? i live my life vigorously and passionately.
15. WHERE IS YOUR SECOND HOME? i barely have a first home.
16. DO YOU TRUST OTHERS EASILY? no, but if i trust at all, i trust completely.
17. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD? my pocket calculator and my pocketknife. with them i could make anything else i wanted.
18. WHAT CLASS IN SCHOOL DO YOU THINK IS TOTALLY USELESS? history; let's live in the present, already.
19. DO YOU HAVE A JOURNAL? suddenly, yes.
20. DO YOU USE SARCASM? when it suits my needs.
21. WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A GUY/GIRL? someone i don't need, but want anyway.
22. WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES? "hey, you"
23. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? would it be to some purpose other than a temporary thrill?
24. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? the only shoes i have with laces are laced so they won't come off unexpectedly. you do the math.
25. DO YOU THINK THAT YOU ARE STRONG? i don't think about that very much. i seem to be strong enough to get by.
26. WHAT 'S YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR? anything without a chocolate component.
27. SHOE SIZE? men's 6/euro 38
28. WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITE COLORS? dark colors, primarily black/orange/purple.
29. HOW MANY WISDOM TEETH DO YOU HAVE? 0. never have, never will; i'm evolved.
30. WHO DO YOU MISS MOST RIGHT NOW? people i never knew.
31. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE YOU SEND THIS TO TO SEND IT BACK? i don't presume to desire that people do things for me.
32. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? the hum of machines, the murmur of library conversation, my heartbeat.
33. LAST THING YOU ATE? whatever it was, it wasn't memorable.
34. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE: i can't remember the last time i used the phone.
35. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX: smells. funny how boys can smell good and bad at once. it's like jalapeno ice cream.
37. HOW ARE YOU TODAY? less indifferent than usual
38. FAVORITE DRINK? hot tea
39. FAVORITE ALCOHOLIC DRINK? sake
40. FAVORITE SPORTS: running from the cops
41. HAIR COLOR? it varies weekly. on average, black.
42. EYE COLOR? hazel
43. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? no, but i probably ought to.
44. SIBLINGS? don't know, i never met my biological family.
45. FAVORITE MONTH? the less sun and heat, the better.
46. FAVORITE FOOD? sushi, ice cream, or pizza.
47. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? ghost in the shell
48. FAVORITE DAYS OF THE YEAR? days when nobody gets in my way.
49. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? neither. sad endings, please.
50. SUMMER OR WINTER? winter, if it's gray.
51. HUGS OR KISSES? neither. if it must be stereotypically romantic, handholding.
52. RELATIONSHIPS OR ONE NIGHT STANDS? neither have worked out very well for me.
55. WHAT BOOKS ARE YOU READING? bruce schneier's relevant works.
56. WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? there is none. this table seems to have been graffitized with "OMGWTF" though.
57. FAVORITE BOARD GAME? stratego
58. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT? no idiot box for me.
59. FAVORITE SMELLS? nature after a rainstorm, gasoline, and coconut.
60. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE UP? what i want to do today, or any especially compelling dreams i can still remember.

tabula rasa

Fri, 29 Oct 2004 05:23:37 GMT

i'm just finding myself. don't mind the mess, it's just going to get bigger. but better.

i find it strange that the only 3 future dystopians in a 3-million-user community are females in austin, texas, USA, and don't seem to know one another. i am turned on by things that are strange.

in the end, why not?